THE FLYING FAN

She walked across the room butt naked, casting suggestive glances in his direction, but he kept his eyes glued to his phone, trying to catch the dying minutes of the match. It was a fast-paced match, both teams in their element. The passes were delivered magically, with precision and the midfielders were dribbling confidently, supplying balls and seeking openings. The defenders were not relenting. It looked headed to a stalemate. 

But sometimes this doesn't hold for long. It's in games like this where footballing genius is displayed through sheer individual effort. Or footballing blunders. Both which can determine outcomes of such tight games. He wasn't about to miss this magic, not even to this horny spider-shaped nymph that was his girlfriend.

Undeterred, she continued with her Jezebellic sexual wiles, this time laying besides him, sighing loudly and pouting. He briefly looked at her, unseeing and unsympathetic to her sexual agony. Arsenal had hypnotized him. He was remotely aware of her presence, but all attention was on another powerful attacking build up by his beloved Arsenal. Mechanically, and by sheer force of habit, he ran one hand across her bare chest, his eyes still locked on his phone screen, consumed by the Emirates atmosphere. 

She mistook this as a cue and huddled herself closer to him, caressing his member tenderly. But the member too was a die-hard Arsenal fan. There was no sign of life there. She made for his zipper, eager to awaken the dead. That is also the moment when Arsenal scored! 

Evolutionary research has discarded any possibility that our species could have - milions of years ago -possessed the ability to fly. In most recorded mythologies that involve flying, like the Icarus one, the crafters were cognizant of this shortcoming and therefore ensured that some mechanical effort was employed to achieve this fete. Be it wings attached to the body, or a flying chariot, man has never nurtured the thought that their forbearers could fly unsupported. Even angels, who exist in the realm of spirituality, are not considered to be human.

But his girlfriend swears to this day that she saw the man flying in celebration. One moment she was on his zipper preparing to awaken the dead, the next his rotund frame was airbone, for about ten metres, landing heavily besides the kitchen. His phone with him. He landed safely but the phone did not, with pieces scattering all over. 

He could not watch the rest of the match on TV, as there was a power outage. He could not rush to the nearest sports bar, as there was only about six minutes left to the end of the game. So he called the game in Arsenal's favor prematurely, sad that he could not post his usual social media taunts to his friends as is the tradition. But thoroughly overjoyed.

And that is how his attention finally shifted to his pretty girlfriend. In his upbeat and celebratory mood, and despite the damage to his phone, he managed to pack a massive boner, unaided.

He quickly turned to her, ready for the three minute carnal odyssey that she had relentlessly pursued during such a critical match!

He was to post later that night on his social media page..."I told you we are Arsenal, we only win when we want!"

They had drawn 1:1, thanks to a defender's tackle in the final seconds of the game, that earned their opponents an equalizing penalty.