Monday, June 21, 2021

DIY Fail

 Frustration is waking up early on Saturday and heading to town to buy a rabies vaccine for your domestic canine. You're outside the shop by 8am wondering how long they'll take to open their doors,since you're also trying to duck paying for parking. In the ensuing anxiety, the period between 8 and 8.20am, when the doors finally open, feels like eternity. Your eyes dart back and forth looking out for those yellow overcoats while silently cursing the shop assistants for not opening soon enough.

Finally it's open! You dash in, make your order, pay, get the weakened pathogens packed nicely and rush out. Lady luck smiled today and kept the clamper away.
You dash home, retrieve a syringe, coax the canine with some eatables as you rub it's back while inspecting a nice sinewy muscle where the syringe will dig in. Satisfied, you go all in for the injection.
That's when it all goes awry. The little cowardly bitch whimpers, jumps and turns as if to bite,then twists and disengages the needle before you have time to push in all the contents. And you're left there wondering if half a vaccine is good enough or you have to begin the process all over again

A Night to Forget

 As she gulped what remained of her Guarana and declined another round, his brain was already crafting a next course of action. It was 2am and according to a domestic rule, he was dangerously close to home time. She lumbered into his car and settled around the time he was turning the ignition key. He'd hit her inbox and after days of chat and flirt, she'd accepted to have a drink with him. Yaani she'd ingiad box.
"Siutani drop South B?" It wasn't a request, just an affirmation of what was expected. He didn't answer, instead choosing to run his hand across her bared succulent thighs. She did not resist. Emboldened, he ran his hands all over her while kissing her. He felt his manhood pressuring its confines. He wanted her.
"Babe, can we go somewhere private? " She intoned, her voice oozing of sexual innuendo. He was about to concur when he remembered it was 2.09am and he had only 51 minutes to execute 'The Deed' as a friend of mine famously dubbed it, and be home in time to avoid disrupting the equilibrium at the domestic front.
"Honey, I want you so much. And I want you now! " He declared as he edged closer to her, abandoning the driver's seat and lying on top of her.
"Babe, what are you doing?" she admonished, shocked, pushing him off.
"This is a public place! What if someone sees us? "
"Can't happen, in fact lemmi park at a more secure place", he declared confidently, his judgement impaired by drink and lust.
, "I wish we could get a room. I'm not comfy with this..."
He either did not hear her or was too busy undressing her to notice. At 2.15am, he was firmed etched on her, redeeming his reward for a night of drinks, food and dance. As she dug her well manicured nails on his back and muttered incantations that accompany The Deed, he tried to focus on the price of unga to avoid a premature ending.
He did not need to though, for a shocking and rather unpleasant distraction happened. A loud knock on his car window followed by a very bright flashlight that caught the faces of the adulterous couple in the most vulnerable of positions.
You see, the instigator of the interruption was no other than the face of the government itself, in uniform and on patrol! Within a nanosecond his turgid manhood withered and he quickly disembarked, trying to pull up his trousers. He did not even notice that the rubber was still strapped on his limb member.
Another violent knock with the end of a G3 rifle and he quickly opened his car doors. The three men in uniform were very dramatic, handcuffing him even before he could zip his trousers.
"Yaani hamna pesa ya lodging?", one of them mocked, with that all too familiar lingo that cops use," leta kitambulisho! Madam! Vaa suruali haraka na ushuke! "
" Afande tafadhali..." he began.
"Utasemea mbele! Unajua kwanini umeshikwa? Indecent public acts na hio ukienda kotini ni faini ya 30k! Funga gari yako na muingie kwa ile Land Rover "
These cops were in no mood to talk. Or they were upping their stakes.
"I told you I wasn't comfortable and you insisted. Now see what you've gotten us into", the girl accused him.
Then his phone started ringing. He reached for it with his handcuffed hands. It was the missus calling. It was 3am and he had broken The Unwritten Rule.
He disconnected the call and was busy shutting down the phone when she called again. He disconnected again and yanked off the battery. He would deal with her wrath later.
After a 15 minutes drive, the Land Rover pulled up into a police station. By now he had resigned to his fate, what with the cops seemingly not interested in an amicable settlement and his fellow captive whining and berating him for putting her through 'all this'.
The door was opened and instead of the cops ordering them out one of them joined them and sat next to him.
"Sasa unasemaje mwanaume?" That cop lingo again.
That was the lifeline he needed and quickly seized it like a drowning man.
"Afande mimi staki kuenda kotini, tuongee tu. Unataka ngapi? "
" Si uliskia fine ni 30k? Tafutia sisi 15k"
A cold sweat ran down his spine. He had just swiped his card to pay for their drinks and food at the club. From his drunken estimate what remained was way below 10k.
"Afande", he beseeched in a most humble voice, "ile niko nayo ni 7k na itabidi twende kwa ATM..."
"7k haiwezi tosha. Sisi ni watatu na lazma mkubwa pia akule. Ambia madam akuongezee zifike 15. Si hata yeye alienjoy?" he giggled at his dark humour.
She silently and grudgingly fished into her purse and retrieved 4k tossing at him.
"Hii ndio niko nayo"
The cop hungrily grabbed the cash and enquired which ATM he needed to withdraw the rest of the money.
They drove towards an Equity ATM, unhandcuffed him, and waited in the car as he punched in the numbers. He realised he only had 4k balance!
Thinking quickly, he assembled his phone together, the intention being to get an MShwari loan to top up the difference. As the phone came on he could see the notifications of missed calls by his wife and many angry SMSes which were slowly turning to worry and concern over his safety. As he was executing his MShwari loan process his wife called, having been alerted that his phone was back on air. He picked and was met with a barrage of questions, insults and screams.
He took a long breath and shouted, "nimeshikwa na polisi! Wacha nimalizane nitakupigia"
She hung up and he began the MShwari process again. The cops were also hooting impatiently.
'You have received 5k from... ' came the message. He had never been more relieved.
With the cops sorted and now back to his car with his girl, he silently revved his car towards South B as she gave him a bitter tongue lashing. He did not care. For he knew a bigger fight awaited him at home. He hardly heard any word she said but as she banged his car door and alighted outside her flat he only picked the sentence ".. don't you ever call me again, you cheapskate!"
He had no care as he reversed. He stopped briefly to pee and realised he was still wearing a condom!
As he got home at almost 5am, he sat in the car for some time rehearsing his story. He had been arrested for knocking down a donkey. That was his story.
He crept into the house, then into the guest bedroom, hoping to get some rest before The Big Fight. No so fast! The bedroom light turned on, and there was The Lioness, hands akimbo, trembling with anger, facing him, ready for The Big Fight.

General Ayanu Mathenge

 Back then, when Kenya was desperate for a hero, but not quite comfortable with the ones that were roaming our streets. We airlifted a peasant by the name Lema Ayanu - after Koigi, the late Mirugi and other PNU honchos were convinced that he was the venerated Maumau General Mathenge. The comedy of errors that followed needs to be immortalized in a book. The wizened Lema had no recollection of ever having been a Maumau fighter, let alone a celebrated General, could not speak even a word of his 'native' gikuyu language and couldn't recognize his 'wife' whom he had supposedly left in Kenya as he fled the British onslaught on his army. Not believing and unwilling to own their very public blunder, his handlers even tried to twist the story, claiming that he was deliberately feigning ignorance since he was still a wanted man by some Maumau elements.

As the cacophony of noise -laughter, groans of embarrassment, angry rhetoric gathered momentum, the old man was silently abandoned and whisked back to Ethiopia.
I'm sure he had a lot to tell his buddies back home -in Amharic🤣

Algorithms

 FB algorithm shows you what your friends are saying on pages or groups that you both belong to. And most times it provides for hilarious reads and deeper insights into people’s characters and state of mind. If there’s one place people expose their truest selves, it’s in the comments section of popular pages and groups.

Most people, as expected under normal circumstances, will curate their personal content on their profile with great pictures and carefully, well thought-out posts. After all social media is a marketing platform where we show our best to the world- our thoughts, opinions, our craft and trade, our emotional composure, our aspirations and of course our kids and spouses.
The algorithm means well to try and generate further engagement on common topics, but what amuses me is the unintended consequence. You’ll land on a page will a heated discussion on a topic, such as GBV, climate change, politics, appointment of judges, RAO, WSR, UK, LGBT etc. It is not uncommon to see your regularly disengaged Njeri - who only occasionally posts bible quotes - out there guns blazing, trolling people and unleashing expletives that would impress a West Coast rapper. Or Wafula, ordinarily a polished corporate honcho - fond of posting career and management quotes- discussing foreskins and how their presence obfuscates skills needed for good governance and leadership. Or Mutua, who just enjoys the violence and will be found replying to comments with emojis and tagging others to come ‘finish’ the commenter!
If your work is to do background checks on individuals, whether for recruitment or for business, you are well advised to camp in the comments sections and wait for your quarry there. They’ll shortly be there with their half-baked anti-vaxxer drivel!

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The Coveted Badge #TBT

 Just remembered that in those very early days of blogging, some caustic blogger (whose name I cannot recall) wrote that chaps in the company I work for were so conceited, that they used to adorn their staff badges in matatus 😂😂.
😂
It was an unprecedented level of hating, and as we chambuad it disdainfully, we also found ourselves agreeing that at times, one just forgot to take off their badge as they concluded their day's work and hurriedly left the office.
It didn't help that you had to wrestle your way to board the coveted Westlands matatus and noticing a staff ID around your neck or on your lapel, was sometimes the least of your problems. It however fed into that narrative that we were deliberately showing off.
And the aggrieved blogger was quick to rant about it.
Many comments on that blog expressed agreement to his/her sentiments, giving accounts of our sightings in various public transportation, stubbornly wearing the coveted badges. It was now not even limited to matatus - buses, trains, bicycles, horse-drawn carriages and if my memory serves me right, a plane sighting was mentioned.
It was generally a bad time for our haughty selves. How could we dare show off like this!

And the Phobias Keep Piling!

 The ever-pervading fear that you may accidentally press the wrong reaction to someone's post, for example

🤣 for a somber post, or this 😥 for a celebratory post should have a name.
I propose Fatfingerphobia since it's mostly a result of 'fat fingers'. It should quickly be inducted into the long list of phobias that modern man has to grapple with, and due credit given to me.
Below are some phobias that you may have:
Allodoxaphobia: an extremely rare phobia, allodoxaphobia is used to define the fear of opinions.
Panphobia: this generalised fear describes the condition of fearing everything and is often described as constantly dreading some "vague and persistent unknown evil".
Gymnophobia: fear of nudity (seeing others naked, being seen naked, or both)
Heterophobia: fear of the opposite sex.
Together let's keep overcoming our fears

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

THE CORPORATE BULL

Karani never thought for even a second that his behavior at the office was predatory. Looking across the open space where staff members of the department he led were seated, a satisfied smile occupied his face. Only recently had he been feted by the group CEO as being the manager who had excelled in executing SDG (Sustainable Development Goal) number 5 on gender equality. In the department he led of over 50 staff members, about 32 were ladies, something that had eluded most of the other departments. So illustrious and noticable was his achievement that the top level management took notice and gave him the coveted award during the company's annual dinner party.

Karani was very elaborate when recruiting. Besides the standard qualifications that most applicants possessed, he was on the lookout for outstanding feminine physical features. Whenever HR presented him a shortlist, he'd make sure to comb through to ensure that those who faced him in the interview process met his aesthetic needs. And that's how it ended that much of his team resembled the African version of the Playboy Mansion. 
The rest of the company knew which department had the most beautiful girls. It was not uncommon to see droves of young men crisscrossing the 4th floor, which is where the team sat, trying to catch the attention of the girls. A common joke doing rounds within the organization was that, it took the IT team 5 minutes to dispatch someone to 4th floor but 5 days to any other floor! 

Back to Karani. Not only did he have a roving eye for the fairer sex, he also had a perverted sense of power. His satisfaction lay in casting eyes across the floor in the knowledge that he had slept with about 20 of the 32 women that he had recruited. Of the remaining 12, 5 were his relatives while the rest had been working there before he joined. In his little cubicle he'd spend his time gazing at the girls, reminiscing on the great, the good, the average and the below average sexual encounters he'd had during recruitment. That gave him immense satisfaction. It's during moments like that that he would decide which of the girls in this harem he had built, would be summoned that evening or earn that trip to the workshop he was attending.
At the moment he was staring at Pamela, a thick well endowed broad from the lakeside. He recalled how shocked she had been at first when he'd began hinting about what needed to be done "in the face of stiff competition by other candidates".
She was a church girl, very qualified for the job and still innocent on the murky corporate world that Karani and others player in. Her view of Karani had been that of a paternal figure -wise, firm and deeply caring of his team members' welfare. She almost laughed when he asked her to meet him for some drinks, thinking it was a trap.
Slowly she'd come around. They'd had drinks and at one point invited she'd him to her house, where she lived with her twin daughters. They'd spent the afternoon in her living room and later bedroom - after the househelp had been given terse instructions to take the kids swimming, and "only come back when asked to". The househelp had given her a knowing look and quickly prepared the protesting girls, who had been absorbed in a movie.
Once out, Pamela had retreated to the bathroom and reappeared shortly after in a skimpy negligee, smiling at her future boss seductively. Mr. Karani, despite his lustful nature, was very conservative in his ways. At his insistence she had to close the bedroom curtains, keep the lights off and could not convince him to fully undress. He screwed her silently and only produced a little wimper towards the end. She'd started moaning but he'd held his hand on her mouth as a way to tell her to STFU. She lay there sad, looking at the ceiling thinking maybe she'd disappointed him and didn't pass the enterview. 
"Come for your letter on Monday", he'd quipped as he got into his car. She was relieved.

Shiko walked over to speak to Pamela and his thoughts were suddenly distracted. He recalled meeting Shiko's mother in their rural church. She had, like most parents with sons and daughters who are through with school, tried severally to seek his help in getting her some job or internship. He hadn't met Shiko by then but the mother was quite persistent. Trying to brush her off, he scrolled his phone number and email address and instructed her to send the daughter's CV. Elated, Mama Shiko instructed her daughter to send her CV and make follow up calls after some time, knowing that Karani was a busy man.
Shiko had done as instructed but instead of calling -as she was unsure of how to address a mdosi- decided to WhatsApp.

Karani was having a drink with another potential recruit when the WhatsApp message came in. The pretty and youthful profile picture caught his eye. Shiko was recruited in about a month. Three days of that month were spent holed in a hotel room in Karatina. He had developed a soft spot for Shiko, moreso because she was from his village and kept him abreast of what was going on among his surbodinates.
As Shiko catwalked back to her desk, conscious of his lustful look and smiling inwardly, she stopped over Peter's desk, ostensibly for a chitchat but also aware that the boss was surveying her nice behind.

Peter was a dependable worker. Karani had recruited him together with his fiancee, Mary. Well Mary got the job first but then convinced Karani to take in Peter. By then Karani did not know that the two were engaged. Mary was a beautiful girl who'd caught his eye during the interview process. He knew he wanted her and once he made sure she was in the shortlist, he began dangling the job to her as was his modus operandi. Mary was not prepared to cheat on her fiance and so a protracted battle of wills ensued. The last straw was when her fiance Peter was laid off, and it now looked like both of them would be jobless. She had confided to one of her girls on what was going on and the advice she got was "sio sabuni, haiishi!"

And so 3 months later she was begging Karani to take her in (pun intended). And here she was now, working alongside her fiance while having to accede to her boss's sexual demands occasionally. For Karani this was the perfect power game. Screwing another man's woman and watching her play innocent in his presence.

But he had heard some grapevine from Shiko that Peter was also seeing another girl in the office. Her name was Lemayan. She was a beautiful masai girl, with a dark smooth skin and perfect white teeth. He'd gone out with her once but ended up disliking her for becoming clingy. She was hotheaded and had started trying to own him. They'd jostled for a while, him contemplating sacking her, her contemplating spilling the beans of their brief affair to his family, whom she had tracked on social media. This stalemate was resolved by the appearance of Peter and his fiance. Peter was in her section, which was sales-oriented, and so they found themselves spending time together in the field. Their friendship blossomed and she was entertaining thoughts of taking Peter from Mary. Karani was relieved by the distraction and secretly cheered Peter on, while trying to poison his relationship with Mary by keeping her away from Peter through overseas travels which he came along.

"Morning Karani!" it was Chebet, the office administrator.
Chebet was one of the few married women in his team. She was married to his college roommate. He'd secured her the position as a favor to his friend. Their relationship was warm and friendly. She knew his wife and was aware of his indiscretions. She however chose to remain ambivalent.
 She silently watched as the ladies competed for his attention, favors and promotions. She'd seen a few edged out during appraisals for trying to reject his advances once they had secured the job. Her office best friend, Mwende, was also in Karani's web of subordinate lovers.
For Mwende, her current job was unbelievably above her punching weight, thanks to Karani. She'd met Karani while hawking men's boxers in a bar. They'd struck a conversation as he haggled and made lewd jokes on the sizes of the boxers. He'd paid her via Mpesa and sent her to drop the stuff in hid car, which was parked outside. She'd saved his number, contacted and actively flirted with him. Her credentials were not solid but she compensated with an amenable personality and an irresistible spider shaped figure. She was also an agressive go-getter. Karani found himself so enthralled that he helped her forge academic papers, just to have her around him. She got the job of an assistant administrator. When it came to Mwende, he could get quite jealous. As Wafula discovered during a team building. Several bottles down and with everyone having loosened up, Mwende and Wafula became the star dancers of the night. 
Ensconced in his powerful arms while gyrating to a Vybez Kartel track, he suddenly felt a powerful pull of the girl from his arms. While readying himself to fight, he looked to see his Head of Department, Karani, giving him the most hostile stare while dragging Mwende away. Karani led Mwende to a dark part of the party venue and, to Wafula's shock, gave her a hard slap on the face, before leaving the party.
A number of the party people witnessed the drama too.
Everything went quiet. Even the DJ stopped the music. Chebet rushed over to Mwende to console her. Wafula sensed his goose may have been overcooked!
"Hujuangi hio ni kitu ya mdosi?", whispered Ochie, his colleague, "itabidi umechorea huyo ngeus"

Chebet tried to restore the fun environment, coaxing everyone to join a mugithi train and blaming alcohol on the little scuffle. The party resumed though without the earlier mojo.
Mwende must have followed Karani to his room, for she was no longer in the party.
That particular event was a turning point in the delicate balance that Karani had maintained in the office among his girlfriends. The ladies that he'd had trysts, and who had harbored hopes of relationship with him, must have realised that his heart was with Mwende. And therefore the grumbling began. And it was carried over to 4th floor, spreading like a wildfire across the organization. The noose was tightening on the serial philanderer who was using his position to get laid.
Karani had grown up in abject poverty, at a village right on the slopes of Mt. Kenya. What he lacked materially and in the looks department was compensated by a sharp brain, which saw him get a good education, thanks to bursaries and scholarships. Karani had suffered rejection after rejection from girls like many other campus boys with meagre resources. His drive to succeed was partly powered by his desire to turn tables. His dream was to conquer any girl that came on his radar. Thanks to his tenacity, he rose quickly in the corporate world, finding himself at the crossroads of money and power. His youthful dream to conquer girls was still at the fore, despite having gotten himself a family.
And so the corporate was the playground on which he'd right the historical injustices of yore.

Three months after the infamous team building, a haggard looking Karani was in a room with his CEO, COO and HR Director, facing of a myriad of sexual harassment and misconduct accusation that snowballed from a single anonymous call to the company helpline, to almost 20 #MeToo revelations on email and even social media. A young intern had shared on her experience with Karani to her manager after witnessing the skirmish during the team building. Ironically, the manager too had had a thing with Karani. Seething at the obvious interplay, she'd advised the intern to make a complaint via the anonymous helpline.
As it became clear that this was an intricate web of sexually transmitted jobs and promotions, the manager began quietly encouraging her female colleagues to come out with their stories. All except Mwende and Shiko did share their ordeals.

The CEO was livid that he'd been misled to fete Karani only a few months earlier for his efforts with SDG goal number 5 on gender equality. One after another, testimonies by the aggrieved ladies were heard. Most memorable was Marjorie who, in a moment of fury, attacked Karani physically during the hearings. Her marriage had irretrievably broken down once her husband discovered that Karani was taking her with him for workshops, not for furtherance of skill and knowledge, but for penile bliss. Thanks to the efforts of a private investigator, who produced photographic and video evidence of the two frolicking in heated pool naked. She recounted how a protracted divorce case had left her wounded and broke, without spousal support. It was even revealed that Karani had been enjoined in the divorce suit.
Many broke down while testifying, recalling how much they had invested emotionally thinking they were the only side plates on Karani's table. On further prodding, and by their admission, none had been coerced - the transactional relationship was driven by the need to bag a job, internship or a promotion and sometimes romantic expectations. However this was still in contravention of company policy.
The story found it's way into the mainstream media, blogs and gutter press. Petrified shareholders and the public began to press for major action. While Karani got his matching orders, other departments in the organization began to open up, with similar accusations coming up. A lady executive was accused of aggressively hitting on her subordinates, and running her department like her personal turf. Young men trooped to the HR offices recounting tales of how some were forced to bang her on the office desk. One tearily recounted how he was forced to administer cunnilingus in unhygienic vaginal conditions as the aggressive middle-aged female executive urged him on. A pattern of deliberate use of sex as a tool of power in this organization was becoming clearer.

A company wide probe was called, that lasted several months and conducted by an independent firm. The report swept half of the top level executives including, surprisingly, the CEO. Screenshots of a conversation he had had with a voluptuous salesgirl begging for lewd videos was the nail in his coffin and made for sensational reporting, which caught the attention of a parliamentary committee and even attracted the outrage of the self-anointed moral policeman, bwana Ezekiel.
A new executive team was put in place and more stringent hiring policies enforced. Whistleblowing was also actively encouraged.

As for Karani, he took a one year sabbatical from the corporate world, before crossing borders to a neighboring country where he now leads a multinational's country operations. The multinational is either unaware or uninterested in his past, as long as he can deliver on the numbers.

Monday, March 8, 2021

THE DEFLOWERMENT

So last week we were reliving our childhood Christmas moments with my workmates on a teams call, as part of our celebration for the season, after which each of us would gift their secretly chosen Santa a gift. I found myself regaling the team with a story of how one young lass, name withheld, chose Christ's birthday to deflower me.

Well not an exact deflowerment, if you consider the many unsolicited sexual escapades with many a house manager that were prevalent and part of boys' induction into the blissful world of carnal experiences. But for me this was my first almost-adult and consensual sexual experience, where two pubescent beings went through the courtship motions, before getting encapsulated in that lustful embrace that sometimes results in new life.

I was around 14 years old and had spotted this lass in my village church, shyly holding her younger brother, painfully self-conscious of her curves and blooming breasts that were attracting suggestive looks as she passed - noticeable even in that loose conservative dress she was in. I immediately made my interest known to my wingman, a female cousin, who was utterly dependable in such matters. Had she been born in the first world, she'd probably be a founding owner of a dating site. Many a tongue-tied young men in the village used her to relay their interest and enduring love to the girls who had smitten them. Her contribution to love and lust is hereby inscribed and immortalized. But I digress.

She picked the task with gusto, hunted down the girl the way Hillary used to hunt Bill's sidechics, and brought her to me, making quick introductions, before any one of the nosy churchwomen could cast a disapproving scowl in our direction. One of the enduring memories I picked was the scent of her lotion. Up to this day I get a pang of reminiscence, followed by a boner whenever that scent wafts into my nose! I have no idea what the lotion was, but Pavlov was right!

Back to the girl. We had a few secret roadside meetings, much like those of opposition politicians and president Moi before announcing defections in the 90s. Only difference is we had limited time, lest we court the ire of our parents for breaking curfews. We exchanged several love letters, thanks to the selfless services of my cousin, who was an able courier. I have no recollection of the contents of these letters but they must have been romantic.

We were boiling with desire for each other, but opportunities were hard to come by. So we hatched a plan. Christmas day is when many celebrating adults let their guard down when it comes to their hawk-eyed supervision of their teens. Date chosen!
The venue was to be a dilapidated classroom, in a school that is next to the church. The plan was to make appearances in the church, partake in a few of the numerous Catholic recitals, give offerings then make a surreptitious escape when everyone was kneeling, deeply engrossed in confessing the sins of the previous week and begging Mary for intercession. She was to take a cue from my escape and join me at our agreed rendezvous. So I escaped.

To avoid prying eyes that would brew a scandal far worse than The Bull of Auckland, we had to avoid walking together. I made my reconnaissance tour to class 3M, which was the furthest classroom from the chapel. Thankfully it was deserted. I was armed with a single juala -again given to me by this industrious lass. Pinched from her uncle's box, she claimed. I remember waiting for what seemed to be eternity. The duration that would make a modern day lad to assume that fare has been 'eaten' spinning him to a day's depression and later a date with a bar of soap.
In my naivety I had already adorned the rubber in eager anticipation and carefully put back my pair of trousers! In those younger randy days, boners could come by liberally and spontaneously, even without a trigger in sight, just the imagination. And so I waited, nurturing my turgid member as I sat on one of the desks that I had selected because of its firmness, eagerly waiting.
She eventually came in, 30 minutes later. She'd been held up while trying lose some kids playing nearby, who posed the risk of walking in on us, in childish curiosity, as performed the infernal, sinful deed. She'd therefore taken a detour. A smart lass she was. And in a age with no mobile phones I had been quite patient. And the boner too.

Well she was here now, which only meant one thing. The Deed could officially commence, the way nature intended it. I enthusiastically lowered my pants, for the first time noticing that I had worn the rubber with the lubricated side inside out. This didn't by no means dampen our desire to proceed with The Deed.
As if on cue, she lifted her new Christmas dress, lowered her pink panties revealing a lush bush, wherein the gorge - the receiver of life lay, throbbing in anticipation.
I led her to the sturdy desk, ordinarily used for study, but this time serving a shadier cause. With her legs invitingly apart, I aimed my budding, undeveloped member, much akin the way a pilot aims for a runway while landing. It was a pinpoint precision. As I made my gentle entry I heard her gasp, just like it had been described in those raunchy novels I used to read from time to time.

I savoured hungrily devoid of tact and no wonder I quickly found myself hanging precariously on that dreaded cliff of no return.

And so brethren and sistren, after exactly 33 seconds, I noisy fired and emptied my cannon quickly running out of ammo. With nothing else to do, We remained awkwardly transfixed for almost another 30 seconds, me recovering my breathe, her probably wondering if this was it, or there was more greatness left in this lightweight object of her infatuation.It would take me several years to realize that this was a subpar performance by any human standards. But ignorance is bliss. Neither did she know (I hope) -or if she did it didn't show.

The final minutes of The Deed were spent with her trying to cleanse her dress of some stains, while I looked for a suitable place to dump my entrapped seed. 

I left first, as per the agreed protocol, and made my way into the church. At this point the priest was winding up, with the congregation on its feet. The Holy Man clasped his hand together, looked up with mystique adorning his kind face, made a sign of the cross and instructed the flock,

"The mass is ended, go yea in peace"

"Thanks be to God!", they shot back.

I turned and made my way to the exit - ebullient and contented. The day's festivities were only beginning!

#IWENTTOALLIANCE

Having gone to Bush attracts a great deal of frenemies. Those that expect you to be a millionaire by association, like the more famous old boys that found themselves part of the post-independence kleptocracy. Or those that are loaded, influencial or holding more senior positions because of their hard work and other factors.

They'll happily quote you as a reference point on how it's inconsequential to have gone to Alliance because they've 'made it', despite not attending the school, by whatever success rulebook (mostly money) they subscribe to. 

I was once mocked by a boss, who sardonically quipped..." Wapi ule mutu wa Alliance"? Not that I ever flaunted my alumnus (as has been commonly and sarcastically depicted of us) but because someone made it their business to investigate where I schooled, as I appeared to stand up for something. That standing up something is actually a hallmark of Busherians!

Going to Alliance is clearly another original sin - a blemish you carry by association. A two-edged sword that can attract benefits or disdain depending on where you find yourself in this capitalistic economy. 

May the spirit of Carey Francis descend in human form to save us, those who carry the brunt of the AHS.

On reaching heaven's gates, just like the tormented Arsenal fans, we may need to make a case of how we deserve a special consideration. For we've already suffered enough mockery and ostracism while on planet earth!

But one thing stands: #IWentToAlliance 😜

SPONSORS DAY

We should have a Sponsor National Appreciation Day to celebrate this category of faceless philanthropists, who continue to offer critical economic support to the young, and sometimes not-so-young, folks while maintaining a measure of anonymity in the modern highly digitized social space. 
A Sponsor will come through with the household expenses, school fees, garments, holidays, even support kids that are not theirs; some heavyweights will even support the sponsored person's siblings, parents and in rare cases boyfriends/girlfriends. 
I remember a very consensual but lopsided arrangement by a young couple known to me a while back. The Sponsor, a prominent businessman in a rural town would regularly come to pick the girl from her bedsitter abode that he has komboad for her. On some occasions he would chance in on her good-for-nothing live-in mogoka-chewing, kumikumi-addicted boyfriend, who depended on the girl for his upkeep. I'm not sure what she got from him in return. Maybe he was a good cook, but I digress. Back to the sponsor's visit...no blows or harsh words were ever exchanged. The young man had been introduced to him as a relative and was willing to keep up the appearances as such. They would all get into the big-bellied chap's plush ride and drive off to sample the town's nightlife. The young man, I suppose out of his own volition or as a result of severe economic emasculation, would be dropped outside a popular nightclub that he loved and would be handed a generous clubbing stipend, while the ageing alpha male would proceed to his preferred evening hangout with the girl for a night of viagra-fuelled carousal. 
Of course a scenario like the one above is an exception, though certainly very likely. For many others, it could lead to brutal crimes of passion and requires tracks to be well covered. That is why an uncomfortable and inquisitive boyfriend will be told that the new VW Golf was purchased through a bank loan, and the bank is holding on to the logbook as security. Or the jewelry was a gift at the workplace for exemplary performance. A girlfriend will be calmed by being told that the older woman who keeps calling is a spiritual mentor, whose calling is to mentor young men. At times, at the instigation of the Sponsor, a girl will engineer beef with her partner and refuse to be calmed down. She may then ask for 'time apart' that weekend 'to think things over'. The trusting boy will unknowingly hand his girl a visa to spend the weekend with her sponsor at the Great Rift Lodge. Being 'mad', she will of course ignore his calls and texts and will have cooled off by Sunday evening to 'talk things over' and accept his profuse apologies. 
Sponsors never make it to the Instagram posts, yet they unselfishly (well, not quite) provide the pecuniary facilitation. Sometimes it may be out of choice, since their sons and daughters ply the same digital space and delicate balances may get upset. Sometimes the sponsored entity may feel some discomfort consorting with their friends' mothers, fathers or relatives and feel the need to keep things under wraps. Sometimes it could be a lecturer or a boss which can lead to conflicts of interest, a cleric, politician or other public figures, giving the more reason why utmost discretion must be exercised. 
Whatever the reason you have for keeping Mr. or Ms. Sponsor under the radar, it's imperative that we all remain cognizant of the contribution they make to our fragile economy, where unemployment figures keep soaring, and honor them with a day or a week. 
The legal heads, who constitute a handsome portion of the sponsor fraternity, can guide us on how to lobby the lawmakers (who are on the top of the sponsoring food chain) to give this cog of Kenya's economy due recognition.

THE FLYING FAN

She walked across the room butt naked, casting suggestive glances in his direction, but he kept his eyes glued to his phone, trying to catch the dying minutes of the match. It was a fast-paced match, both teams in their element. The passes were delivered magically, with precision and the midfielders were dribbling confidently, supplying balls and seeking openings. The defenders were not relenting. It looked headed to a stalemate. 

But sometimes this doesn't hold for long. It's in games like this where footballing genius is displayed through sheer individual effort. Or footballing blunders. Both which can determine outcomes of such tight games. He wasn't about to miss this magic, not even to this horny spider-shaped nymph that was his girlfriend.

Undeterred, she continued with her Jezebellic sexual wiles, this time laying besides him, sighing loudly and pouting. He briefly looked at her, unseeing and unsympathetic to her sexual agony. Arsenal had hypnotized him. He was remotely aware of her presence, but all attention was on another powerful attacking build up by his beloved Arsenal. Mechanically, and by sheer force of habit, he ran one hand across her bare chest, his eyes still locked on his phone screen, consumed by the Emirates atmosphere. 

She mistook this as a cue and huddled herself closer to him, caressing his member tenderly. But the member too was a die-hard Arsenal fan. There was no sign of life there. She made for his zipper, eager to awaken the dead. That is also the moment when Arsenal scored! 

Evolutionary research has discarded any possibility that our species could have - milions of years ago -possessed the ability to fly. In most recorded mythologies that involve flying, like the Icarus one, the crafters were cognizant of this shortcoming and therefore ensured that some mechanical effort was employed to achieve this fete. Be it wings attached to the body, or a flying chariot, man has never nurtured the thought that their forbearers could fly unsupported. Even angels, who exist in the realm of spirituality, are not considered to be human.

But his girlfriend swears to this day that she saw the man flying in celebration. One moment she was on his zipper preparing to awaken the dead, the next his rotund frame was airbone, for about ten metres, landing heavily besides the kitchen. His phone with him. He landed safely but the phone did not, with pieces scattering all over. 

He could not watch the rest of the match on TV, as there was a power outage. He could not rush to the nearest sports bar, as there was only about six minutes left to the end of the game. So he called the game in Arsenal's favor prematurely, sad that he could not post his usual social media taunts to his friends as is the tradition. But thoroughly overjoyed.

And that is how his attention finally shifted to his pretty girlfriend. In his upbeat and celebratory mood, and despite the damage to his phone, he managed to pack a massive boner, unaided.

He quickly turned to her, ready for the three minute carnal odyssey that she had relentlessly pursued during such a critical match!

He was to post later that night on his social media page..."I told you we are Arsenal, we only win when we want!"

They had drawn 1:1, thanks to a defender's tackle in the final seconds of the game, that earned their opponents an equalizing penalty.

THE LANGUAGE FALLACY

Someone once quipped that English is not a measure of intelligence. In English.
This train of thought became quite popular -without a doubt representing what many may have probably wanted to say but lacked the words to frame the thoughts, or the confidence to defend them. I began to see it in social media posts and statuses and even, on a few occasions, as graffiti on toilet walls. 
Was it a way or expressing contempt at what is seeing as the language of the imperialist, I wondered? Or was it a general assertion that mastery of any language is in no way brainy, hence cannot be used to measure intelligence? I'll assume it's the latter.

A case scenario: we have a kid whose first language is English, stacked against a kid who is beginning to learn English in grade 1 of school (after 5 years of communicating in vernacular). It's clear at this point that there could be a general bias on who of the two is 'intelligent'. But by the time these two individuals are done with high school, their grasp would not be far apart, assuming they went to the same schools.

Suppose a group of young men and women fitting the above archetypes gave speeches or wrote treatises on a similar subject, chances are that there would be an outstanding one who would mesmerize you. Much like the analogy of rising cream.

Some aspects of their speech or writing would most likely employ tools that require creativity and a technical application. This is where an intelligent mind stands out.
I'm not a linguist but since I'm a human with communication capabilities through language I hereby pen my pedestrian observations of how above average intelligence is manifested in language.
A mastery in the choice of words, syntax, semantics, synonyms, antonyms and all the -nyms that exist. A rich thesaurus of words to apply in transforming thought into word. Correct use of scintillating expressions, idioms and application of current and historical examples. Use of irony, sarcasm, satire and wit in speech and the written word. Vivid descriptions of people, places and events. Use of rhymes, alliteration and other tools in poetry, music and general language application. Coining new words that end up becoming universally accepted, leading to the growth of the language.
This is the differentiator folks, doesn't matter the language.
 
Intelligent people will write books and articles that stir imagination, inspire people, forment revolutions, cause cultural changes and define generations. *Irregardless* of the language used. They thrill, they scare, they humor, they captivate, they incite, they disgust. They plant seeds of love, hate, rebellion in their listener's heads.
No wonder the pen is always mightier than the sword. A warrior's brute force is no match for a writer's imagination.
That's why Charles Dickens is revered as a master of description. That's why Shakespeare has consistently been honored as the number 1 Briton.
That's why political leaders with the gift of gab can lead a nation to doom or prosperity.

So next time you see graffiti suggesting that proficiency in a language is not a measure of intelligence, blame it on that intelligent person who planted that in the minds of willing followers but did not leave them with a critical defense for that argument. And write below it that: 

"It is! Give your arguments why it's not"

Or just screenshot my post and leave them to ruminate.

KARIS - A BAPTISM BY FIRE

Karis was many things. A respected youth leader in his church, a rising executive in a blue-chip logistics company, a doting father to his daughter and model husband.
He was affable and respectful to a fault. His soft tenor voice soothing, his words carefully chosen. He was very approachable too.  Everyone sought him for his counsel, including the church leadership. Karis was the kind of person who had time for everyone and could spare his time to make small talk with a stranger. The ladies found him charming. He left all feeling great.

Karis' Achilles heel was a powerful crush on a fellow congregant in church. He knew this had the potential to destroy the world he'd build around his family, career and community. But it was an overpowering feeling that swept all logic aside. This was not an ordinary crush, it was accompanied by unbridled lust. He knew it was a matter of time before it consumed him, laying him bare for the world to see. Still he fought it the best he could busying himself with his career, family and community service and avoiding encounters with his crush. He prayed about it, his favorite verse being the part where Jesus was asking for a cup to be lifted off his shoulders. This offered temporary respite for him, sometimes for days even weeks but it would still come to hit him.

Severally he'd woken up from vivid dreams, all flushed up and terrified - having dreamt that his fellow church members had walked in on him in a compromising position with his crush. The stern faced church members had proceeded to pillory him, while stark naked. He'd looked into the crowd locked eyes his wife's sad eyes looking askance. His daughter's blank stare, not understanding why daddy was being roughed up and mocked so publicly. 
He'd freed himself temporarily, trying to flee the humiliation. Surprised that no one bothered following him, just some maniacal laughter from the crowd  - but fully aware that his escape was futile. They would corner him once again. It's at that point that he'd wake up terrified, to find his wife tapping him anxiously, worried about his howling in sleep. 
Relieved, he would lie back in the dark contemplating what a mess this crush was going to bring into his life.
But the desire persisted. And grew exponentially.
He'd contemplated moving towns and had even hinted at his boss, a kind old man, who asked few questions. But he knew that the only way to get free from the shackles of his burning erotic desires was to eventually shoot his shot.

A couple of times he'd approached his crush, armed with a pick-up line, ready to bare it all but a huge lump would form in his throat turning him into a mumbling, incoherent fool. His crush would smile sympathetically, asking him if everything was ok.  He'd nod like a little boy, hating himself for the nervous display.

You see, his object of affection was a young man in the choir. A total scandal in the pervading conservative environment. This is the reason he was so apprehensive and why so much was at stake.

Karis had grown up sexually conflicted since his preteen years. He was a shy awkward and pretty boy who loved to spend time with his sisters while his agemates were busy falling off mango trees, fighting, playing football, decapitating lizards, stoning stray cats and dogs and swimming in dirty river water (which they silently peed in while gleefully watching their friends swim). 
He found solace sitting by his sisters as they made dolls and pampered them in mock parenting. Even when the boys joined the girls to play cha mama na baba, Karis was content to play a gender neutral or nonhuman role - like say a pet, wary of any patriarchal inclinations. 

He'd proceeded to attend a boys' only high school, initially finding it awkward to fit in. He was the self conscious boy who would close the bathroom door while bathing, when the other boys were happily prancing around parading their manhoods. So uncomfortable and shy around boys was he that they nicknamed him Kayeng, also in appreciation of his effeminate looks and disposition. For reasons known to him, but which became clear later, Karis never took offence for being called Kayeng. He embraced the name wholeheartedly and even signed off notes under the name. And so continued his awkward stay in a boys' school for a couple of months.
Until something momentous happened.

One day after a rigorous cross country run, which he was almost always last, Karis was taking a cold shower. Most of his colleagues had proceeded for dinner. He heard some commotion on his bathroom door and paused the shower to listen. He looked up and saw an unfamiliar face looking down on him from the top of the bathroom door. A little shaken he grabbed his towel to wrap around himself as he pondered on how to react to this intrusion.
"Hey Kayeng", the intruder whispered, "can i come shower with you? I think you're beautiful!"
Kayeng could not find the words to respond. Meanwhile the intuder had not waited for an answer. He hsd already scaled the bathroom door and joined him. Still shocked, he watched the intruder undress, open the shower,  grab the soap and start to Karis him up gently. He gestured to him to reciprocate. Karis obliged, still puzzled but feeling sensations that he could not explain. And so these two boys spent an hour in the bathroom lathering each other and doing other erotic things. This was Kayeng's coming out of the closet moment, albeit to himself and this unexpected intruder-turned-lover. And so began a secret same-sex relationship between these two students, Muita and Karis, that lasted for the next 2 years. In those two years Karis discovered his sexuality, and also came to learn of how much of a taboo this was and the risks posed if they were ever caught. They were never caught, though there were suspicious and curious -sometimes hostile - glances when they were hanging out together. For they were so happy around each other. Muita tall and dark football star already sporting a goatee and a loud booming voice. Karis, as effeminate as ever and happily under Muita's protective wing.

Until Muita sat for his O-levels.
Karis was an emotional mess as Muita's high school stint ended. He wept uncontrollably as they embraced under the cold shower for the last time. Muita promised to visit him frequently after school and stay in touch, a promise Muita never kept. It was the last time Karis ever saw Muita.

Karis did not fully recover from his heartbreak but the passage of time helped him to cope through the remaining 2 years of school. He thought and dreamt about Muita every day and the different world he'd enabled him discover. A world he had realised was unconventional and highly scorned upon. Although he still had same-sex crushes, he never mustered the courage to make any moves, staying celibate till the end of school. He never felt attracted to girls but made great company as he had as a kid, which they loved. 

He completed school, went to college and soon after got himself a nice job. His rise was fast, and the perks afforded him a comfortable life.
His family and friends, predictably, began to throw hints that it was time to get himself a family. Repugnant as the idea was to him, he took it as a rite of passage that he must go through to assuage society, and started looking around for a mate. A  friend in his church introduced him to his future wife, a choir girl who sang and danced so passionately every Sunday in a trademark short and red skirt, that gripped her hips scandalously and exposed her well oiled thighs. Many  young men in church were pursuing her but for some reason, she seemed to have a great liking for Karis. She got a mutual friend to introduce him. He went through the motions of acquaintance, dating, courtship and eventual marriage, grateful that the past was in the closet again, this time hopefully for good. He was so affectionate and caring towards his new wife, that for many it appeared like romantic love. He was however hardly interested in her sexually, she soon came to discover.  Somehow though, they managed to sire a baby girl. She realized she had made tradeoffs for marriage and the security it accorded her, while losing on conjugal pleasures, something she learnt to live with. She had no idea why he was so low energy and terrified of sex, suspecting it to be inexperience and hoping to work on him as they went along.
And so every Sunday the young model family would walk into the church, a little late for maximum impact, holding hands, smiling and make the purposeful walk to the front row, much to the envy of many. That was their routine. His wife had since abandoned the choir and dressed more conservatively.

All was going well until the all-too-familiar feeling hit him spotting a certain choirboy named Ouma. He knew that Cupid had flung a poisonous arrow to his life. He became restless, contemplated risking everything, like he had many years back in the school's bathrooms. Only this time he would be the hunter, pursuing a younger man.
After months of false starts and awkward chitchat, Karis decided mbaya mbaya. Having taken time to scheme, he was ready for the perfect opportunity. He noted that Ouma, the ever-cheerful choirboy, always stayed behind to move the musical equipment to a storage room, right behind the pew. He'd observed his movements a couple of times and memorized them.

And so on 23rd June 2013, Karis asked his wife and daughter to proceed home after the Sunday service, ostensibly because he had some business he needed to discuss with the pastor.
He sat back after the service, making small talk and watching as the congregants left one after the other. A few still continued to hang around the church compound talking, laughing and but eventually leaving.

Karis watched as Ouma picked the last of the instruments and went into the store, pushing the door behind him. 

"Now!", Karis said to himself.

Casually- so as to avoid being noticed- he walked towards the store, stood at the door, looking around in case anyone was watching. No one was, so he pushed the door and walked in closing the door behind him. He paused to look around the room and also give himself time to calm his nerves. After about 3 minutes he continued walking, barely holding back his excitement at everything was working according to plan.
There was no bathroom to intrude here but he still hoped to relive the events of 15 years ago with Muita. He pictured himself walking in on a startled Ouma.
"Ouma may i come in?", he'd whisper the way Muita whispered to him in that bathroom. Ouma would be dumpfounded, like Karis was back then. He'd proceed to touch him, seduce him, have him. Just like Muita did.
He crossed over some drums and percussion instruments laid on the floor, heading towards an inner room where he suspected Ouma was, probably taking an inventory of the equipment he'd just stored.

Then he heard some noise. He crept closer, puzzled, wondering if there was another person talking to Ouma or it was a radio. Then he saw them. 

His church pastor Reverend Musa Kiprop (the one who a few minutes earlier had threatened fire and brimstones as the just wage for tragressions) and Ouma were locked in a noisy coital embrace. They did not see him. The elder man still adorning his clerical garb.
He stood there watching, fascinated by the energy the 60+ year's old man of the cloth, the shepherd (and a father of 6 adults) exuded. It was a duet, Ouma hitting the high notes and Reverend Kiprop enriching the performance with a crackling off key baritone.

He felt the powerful crush he had on Ouma ebbing away slowly, like a deflating tire. He felt the feelings of guilt and unworthiness that he'd carried since he discovered he was 'different' dissipate. He felt free. Liberated.

Quietly and unobtrusively he found his way out, closed the door behind him and left for home.

FEARS OF A DYNASTY

The Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia headed by Pol Pot, and one of the most brutal regimes in history, pushed everyone to the countryside to do manual work. It didn't matter your station in life, your education or what you preferred. This was an extreme human experiment in Marxism that had a major impact on Cambodia's economy for many years, long after the regime had been overthrown. About 2m people died of pestilence, malnutrition, exhaustion or were executed during that nefarious experiment.

Watching how the Dynasty-Hustler narrative is morphing into a common mwananchi's strife here at home, my brain starts to concoct all sorts of scenarios. We've recently seen stories of Boda Boda guys burning people's vehicles and livestock while chanting "down with the dynasties!". Basically anyone who appears to have a little float, a small business, a farm, a kamjengo is now, in the eyes of the unwashed masses, a dynasty. You're being goaded to choose a side and be ready to die for picking it. If you don't pick, one will be picked for you after a superficial assessment of your fortunes.
I get apprehensive how this would play out if the poor uneducated hustler was unleashed on the equally struggling 'dynasty', who, as has been repeatedly harped, is one salary or one sickness away from destitution and extreme poverty.

 My (irrational?) fears show me that at some point -once the hustlers take charge- we shall be handed wheelbarrows and repatriated to the rural areas for backbreaking work. Will my dynasty friends with their well manicured feet, a skin care regimen and air-conditioned offices survive this hustler life? Even my health and fitness enthusiasts will not be amused pushing wheelbarrows full of stones endlessly, with little rest and a measly meal. All along under the watchful eye of a sadistic, nyahunyo-wielding former-BodaBoda-operator-turned-supervisor.

As Robert Nester Marley famously crooned,

Many more will have to suffer
Many more will have to die
Don't ask me why
 
That said, Boda Boda riders are a threat to this country's stability. Slay that beast ASAP!

 #musings