To the political
neophytes out there who think they will just drive back to their villages in
2012 and seek leadership positions, I got news for you -its not an easy ride!
Kenyan politics are
messy and in the middle of it all you may miss your corner office, up on the
8th floor of your previous trade. Things are murky, unpredictable and can turn
ugly. Your life is under scrutiny, so if you have skeletons that you would
rather they remained buried, do not venture.
You will need to shout
yourself hoarse. You will need to dance yourself silly. You will need to take
buffoonery to a whole new level. Mike Sonko and Simon Mbugua may have set the
bar but you will need to outdo them.
Below i have prepared
for you a beginners' manual on what you need to start doing before August(?) or
whatever time those many squabbling fools decide to be the date:
- Start attending Harambees
-church, women groups, educational. Make sure to give speeches in proper
vernacular, (not the anglicized one that you use in the city), laced with
proverbs, wise sayings and quotations. Throw in a couple of bawdy jokes.
The unwashed love them. Get a pet subject to hammer into your listeners
e.g. market for our produce
- Dress like an elder, with the
full political regalia -walking stick or fly-whisk, a suit or a flowery
shirt on hot day, the godfather cap and shoes you can dance with
- Form a youth group and sponsor
soccer and other tournaments. Make sure the trophy is by your name. The
Yumbs Yumbz Excellence Shield :)
- Start a foundation and join a
caucus of 'business leaders' of your region. Attend regularly, wine and
dine them thoroughly and listen to their very poor ideas. Make sure they
inject money into your campaign, with a promise of tenders, positions and
other favors once you assume office
- Bribe a couple of journalists
to cover your humble events and ensure newspaper columnist tout you as the
'man to watch'. We are in bad financial times. Hell, no journalist would
reject some 'token'
- Appear in a melee where
houses/kiosks/structures were to be demolished and have choice words for
the local authority/govt. If there is a fire, make sure you are right nest
to it, red in the face and foaming in the mouth, lamenting the
inefficiencies of the local council
- Bribe the OCS to arrest you for
'disturbing the peace' when in essence you were protesting land grabbing.
Ensure the clamor for your release is well covered. In private have the
OCS, the provincial admin, the village elders in your payroll
- Read the mood of your tribe and
fight for nomination on the popular ticket. Remember you could win the
nomination and still have your opponent cleared by the National
Secretariat. Have your man on your payroll to look out for your interests
up there. If you lose seek nomination in a neutral party and engage in an
aggressive door-to-door campaign
- hire a bunch of idle youths,
get them thoroughly drunk and ensure they heckle your opponent's rallies,
making him look unpopular
- Get a local musician to mention
you in his vernacular songs and appear in his cheap VCDs looking stately
and patting his back condescendingly
- Lastly NEVER use substantial
amounts from your own pocket. You may need the money after loosing, which
is highly likely for a newbie. If anything, when the tell-tale signs show
an imminent loss, cut down on your campaign budget and recoup whatever you
can
Good luck, son.
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