As she gulped what remained of her Guarana and declined another round, his brain was already crafting a next course of action. It was 2am and according to a domestic rule, he was dangerously close to home time. She lumbered into his car and settled around the time he was turning the ignition key. He'd hit her inbox and after days of chat and flirt, she'd accepted to have a drink with him. Yaani she'd ingiad box.
"Siutani drop South B?" It wasn't a request, just an affirmation of what was expected. He didn't answer, instead choosing to run his hand across her bared succulent thighs. She did not resist. Emboldened, he ran his hands all over her while kissing her. He felt his manhood pressuring its confines. He wanted her.
"Babe, can we go somewhere private? " She intoned, her voice oozing of sexual innuendo. He was about to concur when he remembered it was 2.09am and he had only 51 minutes to execute 'The Deed' as a friend of mine famously dubbed it, and be home in time to avoid disrupting the equilibrium at the domestic front.
"Honey, I want you so much. And I want you now! " He declared as he edged closer to her, abandoning the driver's seat and lying on top of her.
"Babe, what are you doing?" she admonished, shocked, pushing him off.
"This is a public place! What if someone sees us? "
"Can't happen, in fact lemmi park at a more secure place", he declared confidently, his judgement impaired by drink and lust.
, "I wish we could get a room. I'm not comfy with this..."
He either did not hear her or was too busy undressing her to notice. At 2.15am, he was firmed etched on her, redeeming his reward for a night of drinks, food and dance. As she dug her well manicured nails on his back and muttered incantations that accompany The Deed, he tried to focus on the price of unga to avoid a premature ending.
He did not need to though, for a shocking and rather unpleasant distraction happened. A loud knock on his car window followed by a very bright flashlight that caught the faces of the adulterous couple in the most vulnerable of positions.
You see, the instigator of the interruption was no other than the face of the government itself, in uniform and on patrol! Within a nanosecond his turgid manhood withered and he quickly disembarked, trying to pull up his trousers. He did not even notice that the rubber was still strapped on his limb member.
Another violent knock with the end of a G3 rifle and he quickly opened his car doors. The three men in uniform were very dramatic, handcuffing him even before he could zip his trousers.
"Yaani hamna pesa ya lodging?", one of them mocked, with that all too familiar lingo that cops use," leta kitambulisho! Madam! Vaa suruali haraka na ushuke! "
" Afande tafadhali..." he began.
"Utasemea mbele! Unajua kwanini umeshikwa? Indecent public acts na hio ukienda kotini ni faini ya 30k! Funga gari yako na muingie kwa ile Land Rover "
These cops were in no mood to talk. Or they were upping their stakes.
"I told you I wasn't comfortable and you insisted. Now see what you've gotten us into", the girl accused him.
Then his phone started ringing. He reached for it with his handcuffed hands. It was the missus calling. It was 3am and he had broken The Unwritten Rule.
He disconnected the call and was busy shutting down the phone when she called again. He disconnected again and yanked off the battery. He would deal with her wrath later.
After a 15 minutes drive, the Land Rover pulled up into a police station. By now he had resigned to his fate, what with the cops seemingly not interested in an amicable settlement and his fellow captive whining and berating him for putting her through 'all this'.
The door was opened and instead of the cops ordering them out one of them joined them and sat next to him.
"Sasa unasemaje mwanaume?" That cop lingo again.
That was the lifeline he needed and quickly seized it like a drowning man.
"Afande mimi staki kuenda kotini, tuongee tu. Unataka ngapi? "
" Si uliskia fine ni 30k? Tafutia sisi 15k"
A cold sweat ran down his spine. He had just swiped his card to pay for their drinks and food at the club. From his drunken estimate what remained was way below 10k.
"Afande", he beseeched in a most humble voice, "ile niko nayo ni 7k na itabidi twende kwa ATM..."
"7k haiwezi tosha. Sisi ni watatu na lazma mkubwa pia akule. Ambia madam akuongezee zifike 15. Si hata yeye alienjoy?" he giggled at his dark humour.
She silently and grudgingly fished into her purse and retrieved 4k tossing at him.
"Hii ndio niko nayo"
The cop hungrily grabbed the cash and enquired which ATM he needed to withdraw the rest of the money.
They drove towards an Equity ATM, unhandcuffed him, and waited in the car as he punched in the numbers. He realised he only had 4k balance!
Thinking quickly, he assembled his phone together, the intention being to get an MShwari loan to top up the difference. As the phone came on he could see the notifications of missed calls by his wife and many angry SMSes which were slowly turning to worry and concern over his safety. As he was executing his MShwari loan process his wife called, having been alerted that his phone was back on air. He picked and was met with a barrage of questions, insults and screams.
He took a long breath and shouted, "nimeshikwa na polisi! Wacha nimalizane nitakupigia"
She hung up and he began the MShwari process again. The cops were also hooting impatiently.
'You have received 5k from... ' came the message. He had never been more relieved.
With the cops sorted and now back to his car with his girl, he silently revved his car towards South B as she gave him a bitter tongue lashing. He did not care. For he knew a bigger fight awaited him at home. He hardly heard any word she said but as she banged his car door and alighted outside her flat he only picked the sentence ".. don't you ever call me again, you cheapskate!"
He had no care as he reversed. He stopped briefly to pee and realised he was still wearing a condom!
As he got home at almost 5am, he sat in the car for some time rehearsing his story. He had been arrested for knocking down a donkey. That was his story.
He crept into the house, then into the guest bedroom, hoping to get some rest before The Big Fight. No so fast! The bedroom light turned on, and there was The Lioness, hands akimbo, trembling with anger, facing him, ready for The Big Fight.
