Monday, June 21, 2021

DIY Fail

 Frustration is waking up early on Saturday and heading to town to buy a rabies vaccine for your domestic canine. You're outside the shop by 8am wondering how long they'll take to open their doors,since you're also trying to duck paying for parking. In the ensuing anxiety, the period between 8 and 8.20am, when the doors finally open, feels like eternity. Your eyes dart back and forth looking out for those yellow overcoats while silently cursing the shop assistants for not opening soon enough.

Finally it's open! You dash in, make your order, pay, get the weakened pathogens packed nicely and rush out. Lady luck smiled today and kept the clamper away.
You dash home, retrieve a syringe, coax the canine with some eatables as you rub it's back while inspecting a nice sinewy muscle where the syringe will dig in. Satisfied, you go all in for the injection.
That's when it all goes awry. The little cowardly bitch whimpers, jumps and turns as if to bite,then twists and disengages the needle before you have time to push in all the contents. And you're left there wondering if half a vaccine is good enough or you have to begin the process all over again

A Night to Forget

 As she gulped what remained of her Guarana and declined another round, his brain was already crafting a next course of action. It was 2am and according to a domestic rule, he was dangerously close to home time. She lumbered into his car and settled around the time he was turning the ignition key. He'd hit her inbox and after days of chat and flirt, she'd accepted to have a drink with him. Yaani she'd ingiad box.
"Siutani drop South B?" It wasn't a request, just an affirmation of what was expected. He didn't answer, instead choosing to run his hand across her bared succulent thighs. She did not resist. Emboldened, he ran his hands all over her while kissing her. He felt his manhood pressuring its confines. He wanted her.
"Babe, can we go somewhere private? " She intoned, her voice oozing of sexual innuendo. He was about to concur when he remembered it was 2.09am and he had only 51 minutes to execute 'The Deed' as a friend of mine famously dubbed it, and be home in time to avoid disrupting the equilibrium at the domestic front.
"Honey, I want you so much. And I want you now! " He declared as he edged closer to her, abandoning the driver's seat and lying on top of her.
"Babe, what are you doing?" she admonished, shocked, pushing him off.
"This is a public place! What if someone sees us? "
"Can't happen, in fact lemmi park at a more secure place", he declared confidently, his judgement impaired by drink and lust.
, "I wish we could get a room. I'm not comfy with this..."
He either did not hear her or was too busy undressing her to notice. At 2.15am, he was firmed etched on her, redeeming his reward for a night of drinks, food and dance. As she dug her well manicured nails on his back and muttered incantations that accompany The Deed, he tried to focus on the price of unga to avoid a premature ending.
He did not need to though, for a shocking and rather unpleasant distraction happened. A loud knock on his car window followed by a very bright flashlight that caught the faces of the adulterous couple in the most vulnerable of positions.
You see, the instigator of the interruption was no other than the face of the government itself, in uniform and on patrol! Within a nanosecond his turgid manhood withered and he quickly disembarked, trying to pull up his trousers. He did not even notice that the rubber was still strapped on his limb member.
Another violent knock with the end of a G3 rifle and he quickly opened his car doors. The three men in uniform were very dramatic, handcuffing him even before he could zip his trousers.
"Yaani hamna pesa ya lodging?", one of them mocked, with that all too familiar lingo that cops use," leta kitambulisho! Madam! Vaa suruali haraka na ushuke! "
" Afande tafadhali..." he began.
"Utasemea mbele! Unajua kwanini umeshikwa? Indecent public acts na hio ukienda kotini ni faini ya 30k! Funga gari yako na muingie kwa ile Land Rover "
These cops were in no mood to talk. Or they were upping their stakes.
"I told you I wasn't comfortable and you insisted. Now see what you've gotten us into", the girl accused him.
Then his phone started ringing. He reached for it with his handcuffed hands. It was the missus calling. It was 3am and he had broken The Unwritten Rule.
He disconnected the call and was busy shutting down the phone when she called again. He disconnected again and yanked off the battery. He would deal with her wrath later.
After a 15 minutes drive, the Land Rover pulled up into a police station. By now he had resigned to his fate, what with the cops seemingly not interested in an amicable settlement and his fellow captive whining and berating him for putting her through 'all this'.
The door was opened and instead of the cops ordering them out one of them joined them and sat next to him.
"Sasa unasemaje mwanaume?" That cop lingo again.
That was the lifeline he needed and quickly seized it like a drowning man.
"Afande mimi staki kuenda kotini, tuongee tu. Unataka ngapi? "
" Si uliskia fine ni 30k? Tafutia sisi 15k"
A cold sweat ran down his spine. He had just swiped his card to pay for their drinks and food at the club. From his drunken estimate what remained was way below 10k.
"Afande", he beseeched in a most humble voice, "ile niko nayo ni 7k na itabidi twende kwa ATM..."
"7k haiwezi tosha. Sisi ni watatu na lazma mkubwa pia akule. Ambia madam akuongezee zifike 15. Si hata yeye alienjoy?" he giggled at his dark humour.
She silently and grudgingly fished into her purse and retrieved 4k tossing at him.
"Hii ndio niko nayo"
The cop hungrily grabbed the cash and enquired which ATM he needed to withdraw the rest of the money.
They drove towards an Equity ATM, unhandcuffed him, and waited in the car as he punched in the numbers. He realised he only had 4k balance!
Thinking quickly, he assembled his phone together, the intention being to get an MShwari loan to top up the difference. As the phone came on he could see the notifications of missed calls by his wife and many angry SMSes which were slowly turning to worry and concern over his safety. As he was executing his MShwari loan process his wife called, having been alerted that his phone was back on air. He picked and was met with a barrage of questions, insults and screams.
He took a long breath and shouted, "nimeshikwa na polisi! Wacha nimalizane nitakupigia"
She hung up and he began the MShwari process again. The cops were also hooting impatiently.
'You have received 5k from... ' came the message. He had never been more relieved.
With the cops sorted and now back to his car with his girl, he silently revved his car towards South B as she gave him a bitter tongue lashing. He did not care. For he knew a bigger fight awaited him at home. He hardly heard any word she said but as she banged his car door and alighted outside her flat he only picked the sentence ".. don't you ever call me again, you cheapskate!"
He had no care as he reversed. He stopped briefly to pee and realised he was still wearing a condom!
As he got home at almost 5am, he sat in the car for some time rehearsing his story. He had been arrested for knocking down a donkey. That was his story.
He crept into the house, then into the guest bedroom, hoping to get some rest before The Big Fight. No so fast! The bedroom light turned on, and there was The Lioness, hands akimbo, trembling with anger, facing him, ready for The Big Fight.

General Ayanu Mathenge

 Back then, when Kenya was desperate for a hero, but not quite comfortable with the ones that were roaming our streets. We airlifted a peasant by the name Lema Ayanu - after Koigi, the late Mirugi and other PNU honchos were convinced that he was the venerated Maumau General Mathenge. The comedy of errors that followed needs to be immortalized in a book. The wizened Lema had no recollection of ever having been a Maumau fighter, let alone a celebrated General, could not speak even a word of his 'native' gikuyu language and couldn't recognize his 'wife' whom he had supposedly left in Kenya as he fled the British onslaught on his army. Not believing and unwilling to own their very public blunder, his handlers even tried to twist the story, claiming that he was deliberately feigning ignorance since he was still a wanted man by some Maumau elements.

As the cacophony of noise -laughter, groans of embarrassment, angry rhetoric gathered momentum, the old man was silently abandoned and whisked back to Ethiopia.
I'm sure he had a lot to tell his buddies back home -in Amharic🤣

Algorithms

 FB algorithm shows you what your friends are saying on pages or groups that you both belong to. And most times it provides for hilarious reads and deeper insights into people’s characters and state of mind. If there’s one place people expose their truest selves, it’s in the comments section of popular pages and groups.

Most people, as expected under normal circumstances, will curate their personal content on their profile with great pictures and carefully, well thought-out posts. After all social media is a marketing platform where we show our best to the world- our thoughts, opinions, our craft and trade, our emotional composure, our aspirations and of course our kids and spouses.
The algorithm means well to try and generate further engagement on common topics, but what amuses me is the unintended consequence. You’ll land on a page will a heated discussion on a topic, such as GBV, climate change, politics, appointment of judges, RAO, WSR, UK, LGBT etc. It is not uncommon to see your regularly disengaged Njeri - who only occasionally posts bible quotes - out there guns blazing, trolling people and unleashing expletives that would impress a West Coast rapper. Or Wafula, ordinarily a polished corporate honcho - fond of posting career and management quotes- discussing foreskins and how their presence obfuscates skills needed for good governance and leadership. Or Mutua, who just enjoys the violence and will be found replying to comments with emojis and tagging others to come ‘finish’ the commenter!
If your work is to do background checks on individuals, whether for recruitment or for business, you are well advised to camp in the comments sections and wait for your quarry there. They’ll shortly be there with their half-baked anti-vaxxer drivel!

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The Coveted Badge #TBT

 Just remembered that in those very early days of blogging, some caustic blogger (whose name I cannot recall) wrote that chaps in the company I work for were so conceited, that they used to adorn their staff badges in matatus 😂😂.
😂
It was an unprecedented level of hating, and as we chambuad it disdainfully, we also found ourselves agreeing that at times, one just forgot to take off their badge as they concluded their day's work and hurriedly left the office.
It didn't help that you had to wrestle your way to board the coveted Westlands matatus and noticing a staff ID around your neck or on your lapel, was sometimes the least of your problems. It however fed into that narrative that we were deliberately showing off.
And the aggrieved blogger was quick to rant about it.
Many comments on that blog expressed agreement to his/her sentiments, giving accounts of our sightings in various public transportation, stubbornly wearing the coveted badges. It was now not even limited to matatus - buses, trains, bicycles, horse-drawn carriages and if my memory serves me right, a plane sighting was mentioned.
It was generally a bad time for our haughty selves. How could we dare show off like this!

And the Phobias Keep Piling!

 The ever-pervading fear that you may accidentally press the wrong reaction to someone's post, for example

🤣 for a somber post, or this 😥 for a celebratory post should have a name.
I propose Fatfingerphobia since it's mostly a result of 'fat fingers'. It should quickly be inducted into the long list of phobias that modern man has to grapple with, and due credit given to me.
Below are some phobias that you may have:
Allodoxaphobia: an extremely rare phobia, allodoxaphobia is used to define the fear of opinions.
Panphobia: this generalised fear describes the condition of fearing everything and is often described as constantly dreading some "vague and persistent unknown evil".
Gymnophobia: fear of nudity (seeing others naked, being seen naked, or both)
Heterophobia: fear of the opposite sex.
Together let's keep overcoming our fears

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

THE CORPORATE BULL

Karani never thought for even a second that his behavior at the office was predatory. Looking across the open space where staff members of the department he led were seated, a satisfied smile occupied his face. Only recently had he been feted by the group CEO as being the manager who had excelled in executing SDG (Sustainable Development Goal) number 5 on gender equality. In the department he led of over 50 staff members, about 32 were ladies, something that had eluded most of the other departments. So illustrious and noticable was his achievement that the top level management took notice and gave him the coveted award during the company's annual dinner party.

Karani was very elaborate when recruiting. Besides the standard qualifications that most applicants possessed, he was on the lookout for outstanding feminine physical features. Whenever HR presented him a shortlist, he'd make sure to comb through to ensure that those who faced him in the interview process met his aesthetic needs. And that's how it ended that much of his team resembled the African version of the Playboy Mansion. 
The rest of the company knew which department had the most beautiful girls. It was not uncommon to see droves of young men crisscrossing the 4th floor, which is where the team sat, trying to catch the attention of the girls. A common joke doing rounds within the organization was that, it took the IT team 5 minutes to dispatch someone to 4th floor but 5 days to any other floor! 

Back to Karani. Not only did he have a roving eye for the fairer sex, he also had a perverted sense of power. His satisfaction lay in casting eyes across the floor in the knowledge that he had slept with about 20 of the 32 women that he had recruited. Of the remaining 12, 5 were his relatives while the rest had been working there before he joined. In his little cubicle he'd spend his time gazing at the girls, reminiscing on the great, the good, the average and the below average sexual encounters he'd had during recruitment. That gave him immense satisfaction. It's during moments like that that he would decide which of the girls in this harem he had built, would be summoned that evening or earn that trip to the workshop he was attending.
At the moment he was staring at Pamela, a thick well endowed broad from the lakeside. He recalled how shocked she had been at first when he'd began hinting about what needed to be done "in the face of stiff competition by other candidates".
She was a church girl, very qualified for the job and still innocent on the murky corporate world that Karani and others player in. Her view of Karani had been that of a paternal figure -wise, firm and deeply caring of his team members' welfare. She almost laughed when he asked her to meet him for some drinks, thinking it was a trap.
Slowly she'd come around. They'd had drinks and at one point invited she'd him to her house, where she lived with her twin daughters. They'd spent the afternoon in her living room and later bedroom - after the househelp had been given terse instructions to take the kids swimming, and "only come back when asked to". The househelp had given her a knowing look and quickly prepared the protesting girls, who had been absorbed in a movie.
Once out, Pamela had retreated to the bathroom and reappeared shortly after in a skimpy negligee, smiling at her future boss seductively. Mr. Karani, despite his lustful nature, was very conservative in his ways. At his insistence she had to close the bedroom curtains, keep the lights off and could not convince him to fully undress. He screwed her silently and only produced a little wimper towards the end. She'd started moaning but he'd held his hand on her mouth as a way to tell her to STFU. She lay there sad, looking at the ceiling thinking maybe she'd disappointed him and didn't pass the enterview. 
"Come for your letter on Monday", he'd quipped as he got into his car. She was relieved.

Shiko walked over to speak to Pamela and his thoughts were suddenly distracted. He recalled meeting Shiko's mother in their rural church. She had, like most parents with sons and daughters who are through with school, tried severally to seek his help in getting her some job or internship. He hadn't met Shiko by then but the mother was quite persistent. Trying to brush her off, he scrolled his phone number and email address and instructed her to send the daughter's CV. Elated, Mama Shiko instructed her daughter to send her CV and make follow up calls after some time, knowing that Karani was a busy man.
Shiko had done as instructed but instead of calling -as she was unsure of how to address a mdosi- decided to WhatsApp.

Karani was having a drink with another potential recruit when the WhatsApp message came in. The pretty and youthful profile picture caught his eye. Shiko was recruited in about a month. Three days of that month were spent holed in a hotel room in Karatina. He had developed a soft spot for Shiko, moreso because she was from his village and kept him abreast of what was going on among his surbodinates.
As Shiko catwalked back to her desk, conscious of his lustful look and smiling inwardly, she stopped over Peter's desk, ostensibly for a chitchat but also aware that the boss was surveying her nice behind.

Peter was a dependable worker. Karani had recruited him together with his fiancee, Mary. Well Mary got the job first but then convinced Karani to take in Peter. By then Karani did not know that the two were engaged. Mary was a beautiful girl who'd caught his eye during the interview process. He knew he wanted her and once he made sure she was in the shortlist, he began dangling the job to her as was his modus operandi. Mary was not prepared to cheat on her fiance and so a protracted battle of wills ensued. The last straw was when her fiance Peter was laid off, and it now looked like both of them would be jobless. She had confided to one of her girls on what was going on and the advice she got was "sio sabuni, haiishi!"

And so 3 months later she was begging Karani to take her in (pun intended). And here she was now, working alongside her fiance while having to accede to her boss's sexual demands occasionally. For Karani this was the perfect power game. Screwing another man's woman and watching her play innocent in his presence.

But he had heard some grapevine from Shiko that Peter was also seeing another girl in the office. Her name was Lemayan. She was a beautiful masai girl, with a dark smooth skin and perfect white teeth. He'd gone out with her once but ended up disliking her for becoming clingy. She was hotheaded and had started trying to own him. They'd jostled for a while, him contemplating sacking her, her contemplating spilling the beans of their brief affair to his family, whom she had tracked on social media. This stalemate was resolved by the appearance of Peter and his fiance. Peter was in her section, which was sales-oriented, and so they found themselves spending time together in the field. Their friendship blossomed and she was entertaining thoughts of taking Peter from Mary. Karani was relieved by the distraction and secretly cheered Peter on, while trying to poison his relationship with Mary by keeping her away from Peter through overseas travels which he came along.

"Morning Karani!" it was Chebet, the office administrator.
Chebet was one of the few married women in his team. She was married to his college roommate. He'd secured her the position as a favor to his friend. Their relationship was warm and friendly. She knew his wife and was aware of his indiscretions. She however chose to remain ambivalent.
 She silently watched as the ladies competed for his attention, favors and promotions. She'd seen a few edged out during appraisals for trying to reject his advances once they had secured the job. Her office best friend, Mwende, was also in Karani's web of subordinate lovers.
For Mwende, her current job was unbelievably above her punching weight, thanks to Karani. She'd met Karani while hawking men's boxers in a bar. They'd struck a conversation as he haggled and made lewd jokes on the sizes of the boxers. He'd paid her via Mpesa and sent her to drop the stuff in hid car, which was parked outside. She'd saved his number, contacted and actively flirted with him. Her credentials were not solid but she compensated with an amenable personality and an irresistible spider shaped figure. She was also an agressive go-getter. Karani found himself so enthralled that he helped her forge academic papers, just to have her around him. She got the job of an assistant administrator. When it came to Mwende, he could get quite jealous. As Wafula discovered during a team building. Several bottles down and with everyone having loosened up, Mwende and Wafula became the star dancers of the night. 
Ensconced in his powerful arms while gyrating to a Vybez Kartel track, he suddenly felt a powerful pull of the girl from his arms. While readying himself to fight, he looked to see his Head of Department, Karani, giving him the most hostile stare while dragging Mwende away. Karani led Mwende to a dark part of the party venue and, to Wafula's shock, gave her a hard slap on the face, before leaving the party.
A number of the party people witnessed the drama too.
Everything went quiet. Even the DJ stopped the music. Chebet rushed over to Mwende to console her. Wafula sensed his goose may have been overcooked!
"Hujuangi hio ni kitu ya mdosi?", whispered Ochie, his colleague, "itabidi umechorea huyo ngeus"

Chebet tried to restore the fun environment, coaxing everyone to join a mugithi train and blaming alcohol on the little scuffle. The party resumed though without the earlier mojo.
Mwende must have followed Karani to his room, for she was no longer in the party.
That particular event was a turning point in the delicate balance that Karani had maintained in the office among his girlfriends. The ladies that he'd had trysts, and who had harbored hopes of relationship with him, must have realised that his heart was with Mwende. And therefore the grumbling began. And it was carried over to 4th floor, spreading like a wildfire across the organization. The noose was tightening on the serial philanderer who was using his position to get laid.
Karani had grown up in abject poverty, at a village right on the slopes of Mt. Kenya. What he lacked materially and in the looks department was compensated by a sharp brain, which saw him get a good education, thanks to bursaries and scholarships. Karani had suffered rejection after rejection from girls like many other campus boys with meagre resources. His drive to succeed was partly powered by his desire to turn tables. His dream was to conquer any girl that came on his radar. Thanks to his tenacity, he rose quickly in the corporate world, finding himself at the crossroads of money and power. His youthful dream to conquer girls was still at the fore, despite having gotten himself a family.
And so the corporate was the playground on which he'd right the historical injustices of yore.

Three months after the infamous team building, a haggard looking Karani was in a room with his CEO, COO and HR Director, facing of a myriad of sexual harassment and misconduct accusation that snowballed from a single anonymous call to the company helpline, to almost 20 #MeToo revelations on email and even social media. A young intern had shared on her experience with Karani to her manager after witnessing the skirmish during the team building. Ironically, the manager too had had a thing with Karani. Seething at the obvious interplay, she'd advised the intern to make a complaint via the anonymous helpline.
As it became clear that this was an intricate web of sexually transmitted jobs and promotions, the manager began quietly encouraging her female colleagues to come out with their stories. All except Mwende and Shiko did share their ordeals.

The CEO was livid that he'd been misled to fete Karani only a few months earlier for his efforts with SDG goal number 5 on gender equality. One after another, testimonies by the aggrieved ladies were heard. Most memorable was Marjorie who, in a moment of fury, attacked Karani physically during the hearings. Her marriage had irretrievably broken down once her husband discovered that Karani was taking her with him for workshops, not for furtherance of skill and knowledge, but for penile bliss. Thanks to the efforts of a private investigator, who produced photographic and video evidence of the two frolicking in heated pool naked. She recounted how a protracted divorce case had left her wounded and broke, without spousal support. It was even revealed that Karani had been enjoined in the divorce suit.
Many broke down while testifying, recalling how much they had invested emotionally thinking they were the only side plates on Karani's table. On further prodding, and by their admission, none had been coerced - the transactional relationship was driven by the need to bag a job, internship or a promotion and sometimes romantic expectations. However this was still in contravention of company policy.
The story found it's way into the mainstream media, blogs and gutter press. Petrified shareholders and the public began to press for major action. While Karani got his matching orders, other departments in the organization began to open up, with similar accusations coming up. A lady executive was accused of aggressively hitting on her subordinates, and running her department like her personal turf. Young men trooped to the HR offices recounting tales of how some were forced to bang her on the office desk. One tearily recounted how he was forced to administer cunnilingus in unhygienic vaginal conditions as the aggressive middle-aged female executive urged him on. A pattern of deliberate use of sex as a tool of power in this organization was becoming clearer.

A company wide probe was called, that lasted several months and conducted by an independent firm. The report swept half of the top level executives including, surprisingly, the CEO. Screenshots of a conversation he had had with a voluptuous salesgirl begging for lewd videos was the nail in his coffin and made for sensational reporting, which caught the attention of a parliamentary committee and even attracted the outrage of the self-anointed moral policeman, bwana Ezekiel.
A new executive team was put in place and more stringent hiring policies enforced. Whistleblowing was also actively encouraged.

As for Karani, he took a one year sabbatical from the corporate world, before crossing borders to a neighboring country where he now leads a multinational's country operations. The multinational is either unaware or uninterested in his past, as long as he can deliver on the numbers.